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Clinic founder Michelle Sorensen, Clinical Psychologist, shares her reflections on parenting anxiety and the unique worries that come with raising children in today’s world, and how therapy can support overwhelmed parents at the Resiliency Clinic. Parent therapy is available virtually across Ontario and Quebec, and in person in Ottawa.
As the clinical director of Resiliency Clinic, I hear stories every day from overwhelmed parents in my own practice, in supervision with my esteemed colleagues, and on the phone or via email when I receive messages about their worries and heartaches. Many Ottawa parents reach out struggling with parenting anxiety — that constant worry about whether they’re doing enough or making the right choices. As a mother of four teenagers and a member of the Ottawa community, I also hear these stories in my day-to-day life. Parent anxiety is something nearly every family experiences.
I once read a quote from a new parent saying that, “When you become a parent, you become part of a club you didn’t know existed.” I think there is some truth in that. We generally have much more in common with other parents than not. We share the fear of messing up, of making the wrong choices, and of letting our children have increasingly more responsibility and freedom in a world that seems so scary. This parenting stress — the weight of keeping our children safe while helping them grow — connects us all. We also know the swell of pride and satisfaction that comes from the positive parenting moments and milestones our children reach.
I remember my next door neighbour in Toronto, the first year I was a parent and before I moved back to Ottawa, had a friend over one day on her front porch. She was admiring my baby girl, but looked at me and said, “Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems.” She had seen her adult children suffer from mental health issues and addiction. I never forgot the way she looked at me. As a parent, you try to do all you can with the hopes of avoiding those scary outcomes, but this anxiety about our children’s futures is something we can’t fully escape. Our children have so many influences in their lives, and we cannot control everything.
How Therapy Helps Parents Navigate Stress and Worry
At the Resiliency Clinic in Ottawa, we focus on helping parents navigate parenting stress in a multitude of ways through evidence-based parent therapy and counselling. First of all, we work on self-care by teaching how to practice self-compassion (kindness towards oneself) and self-appreciation (noticing the many things you already do well), so that as a parent, you can regulate your nervous system and stay grounded in the face of difficult parenting moments. When children, or your adult children, look at you, they can’t feel securely attached if they see fear and disappointment in your eyes.
Using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Parenting Anxiety
We also help parents and couples by working on evidence-based thinking, using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You can learn more about CBT from this video here. It’s so easy to amplify the many dangers in the world, especially if you read or watch the news, which generally reports all the bad news, and little of the good news that also exists out there! It’s so important to balance our thoughts by considering both the positive and negative, and developing realistic thinking. We also can implement behavioural change, which leads to more balanced thoughts and moods.
Some of the behaviour change we work on, with parent coaching approaches, involves behaviours that help build healthy attachments as the base for your relationships with your children. We focus on the theme of “Connect before you correct.” You must connect through humour, lightness, activities that bond the family, or positive feedback and encouragement, before you can address behaviours that need to change. We cannot expect children to follow guidance from parents until they feel heard and have a voice as well. Sometimes there are significant challenges to rebuilding a bond, especially when an adult child is estranged or disconnected from the family.
Why Overwhelmed Parents Need Professional Support
When overwhelmed parents have a safe place to open up about their worries and fears through therapy, they can make mindful choices, starting with small changes that can have a big impact. It can be hard to find a non-judgmental or unbiased confidant amongst friends and family. Parent counselling also gives you a place to open up about your fears without burdening your children.
Managing Parental Anxiety: A Personal Reflection
As a psychologist, I’m not immune to this kind of parental anxiety. I recently thought about how hard it can be to manage our own worries when my eldest shared a tragic event that took place at her university leading up to the first semester exams. There was a fire at a party that led to a number of first year female students being rushed to hospital, and one has remained in treatment with severe burns.
As a parent, I felt sick with the images and stories that came to mind. I kept imagining the parents whose young adult children were hurt, as well as those implicated in causing the fire. I of course also thought about how easy it would be for my own children to be “in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I was grateful to know how to direct my energy into helpful coping strategies for parenting anxiety.
After my anxiety was less acute, I spoke to my two eldest daughters about the importance of listening to their intuition if ever they are somewhere where danger seems to be developing. However, I didn’t talk about this at length, because I know I have to balance this worry with the importance of experiencing life and not living in fear. I balanced my thoughts and chose my words carefully. I sent money to my eldest to donate to the fundraising for the victims, as that sense of community meant a lot to her as she watched her school come together in support of the families impacted. There are always people who help during difficult times and this is a helpful place to focus our energies.
Getting Started with Parent Therapy in Ottawa
Parenting brings some of the greatest joys but also the hardest heartaches. Please know we have therapists in Ottawa who can support you and work collaboratively with you through parent therapy and counselling. We do not see ourselves as parenting experts, we approach these difficulties with great respect and humility. What we do have is knowledge about attachment-based therapy and evidence-based coping strategies, and we see you as the expert in your own family. We also offer couples therapy and couples counselling for those wanting to work on parenting challenges and the impact on their relationship together.
If you’re an overwhelmed parent in Ottawa looking for support with anxiety, worry, or parenting challenges, we’re here to help. Book a free 15-minute consultation with one of our experienced therapists to see if we’re the right fit for your family. We also have affordable options here.
